Posts Tagged ‘Heidi Montag’

The Hills: Holly Montag Says “Yes, We Can.”

October 9, 2008

Holly Montag continued to attempt to bring about peace in them thar Hills this week. Unfortunately, it has taken Holly the better part of the season to get to the deep truth that most viewers realized two years ago: Spencer is the problem. (Um. Duh?) At Holly’s urging, Heidi wrote Lauren a pointless letter, along the lines of her pointless IMs and her pointless visit to LC’s apartment last season. Anyway, Lauren seemed pretty unmoved by Heidi’s heartfelt prose. Meanwhile, Spencer continued to be totally evil and Audrina went out with a new guy but ruined it when she couldn’t STFU about Justin Bobby. 

So, on to that philosophical question posed by LC as she lounged by the pool: What if Heidi never met Spencer?

Well, The Hills probably wouldn’t even be on the air anymore, for one thing. (Season One? Dull!) But putting that aside, do you think LC and Heidi would still be pals if Spencer never existed? And do you think Holly, with her blindly optimistic peacemongering, would make a good Secretary of State?


The Hills: We’re All Totally Doomed, But Maybe Heidi’s Sister Can “Peace Everything Out”

September 16, 2008

We’re experiencing the worst financial crisis in maybe 100 years, Sarah Palin [and I must quote Ed Koch here] “scares the hell out of me,” and it seems like the world is hurtling towards certain doom. But we still have The Hills, right? And maybe if Lauren and Heidi could just be friends again, the entire universe would magically fall back in line. (more…)

The Hills: “It’s Like Trying To Tell Iran and Israel To Get Along…”

August 25, 2008

Actually, it’s like watching paint dry. The Hills was a big snooze tonight. My mom summed it up in this way: “Everyone went to a birthday party and left as soon as Spencer came. I don’t blame them–I can’t stand him!” (more…)

The Hills: Our Recurring Nightmare?

August 1, 2008

On August 18, Season 4 of The Hills starts on MTV. That is, if you can make it through whatever lame, two-hour-long “world premiere” that MTV has likely dreamed up to torture us: Red carpet arrivals, some pointless musical guest, and “exclusive” interviews with people like Brent Bolthouse, followed by 15 minutes of the actual show.

As you can tell, I have mixed feelings about the return of The Hills. Let’s face it: That last “bonus season” sucked. I have my doubts that the show can regain the magic of Season 2. (more…)

The Hills: Summer Fun Edition!

June 18, 2008

Why, hello there! So The Hills is on hiatus, but the drama is not. Here’s a quick round-up of the latest news:

  • The New York Observer has a fantastic profile of awesome-yet-fearsome “power bitch” Kelly Cutrone, Whitney’s boss at People’s Revolution. Says Kelly of her initial meeting with a teary Lauren in Season 1: “She was slow.” [Note to Kelly: Love that couch!]
  • Speaking of Whitney, she will reportedly star in a new Hills spin-off. (Sorry, Speidi!) The show will depict Ms. Port’s new bi-coastal lifestyle and have her palling around with various NYC wanna-be “socialites.” Poor Whitney.
  • Brody is getting his own show, too. (Sorry, Speidi!) The unfortunately-named Bromance will follow Brody as he seeks a new bestie to take Spencer’s place, and will feature hot tub elimination ceremonies. Ryan Seacrest is producing. “I can speak from experience — girls can come and go, but a ‘bromance’ can last forever,” Seacrest told Variety. Good god.
  • Have Lauren and Audrina mended their fences? Possibly.
  • Best for last: David Letterman totally eviscerated Spencer on his show last week. When Spencer says he doesn’t go to a club for less than $100,000, Dave cracks up and offers his best guess of Spencer’s actual fee: two beers. Ha! Meanwhile, creepy Fembot Heidi tries ineffectively to register sincerity on her frozen face and insists Spencer actually “lowballed” their fee. Right. Video here.

The Hills: Lauren Serves Crab, Makes Me Crabby

May 13, 2008

The Hills (or whatever MTV played between all those damn commercials) was painful last night—and not in a good way! Can we even pretend this show is good anymore? It’s like that milk in my refrigerator that’s two days past due and sort of dubious, but which I use in my tea anyway out of sheer laziness. At this point, The Hills is curdled and totally unsatisfying.

Nothing was even close to resolved last night. In fact, nothing really happened at all. Audrina looked at an apartment. Lauren and Lo cooked crab. They invited Audrina to eat the crab with them. She already had other plans. Audrina told Lauren that Lo was coming between them. Lauren disagreed. The end. Oh and some nonsense in Vegas with Heidi and Spencer. It made no sense. It was, in the words of my viewing partner, “absurd.”

This “bonus season” was a mistake. There simply wasn’t enough going on to fill it out. MTV should learn a lesson from this. Rather than dragging out the seasons, call it quits when the drama runs dry. Make a better Season 4. Or just end the show. But don’t serve us this crab, for God’s sake.

Deconstructing The Hills: Spencer’s Motivations

May 11, 2008

What makes Spencer evil? some people ask. I never ask.*

But now, in a new interview with The Los Angeles Times, Spencer helpfully provides the answer himself:

“‘The Hills’ needed some evil, Spencer figured. ‘I saw a clip of the show, and everyone was so nice,’ he said mockingly. ‘Friendly,’ he added with disgust. So yes, he wanted to ’cause drama’ and ‘get my own show.'”

I guess he has a point; the closest thing The Hills had to a villian in Season 1 was Lisa Love. Though I wouldn’t say everyone was “so nice.” Jason Wahler? Not very nice. And Heidi’s then-boyfriend Jordan Eubanks? Not such a sweet guy. But, certainly, no one approached Spencer’s level of evil until Spencer himself arrived in Season 2. Yet the new, depressed Spencer hasn’t been able to cause too much drama in this bonus season, has he? (On the show, at least. He continues to gleefully make trouble in the tabloids.)

I wonder if that’s what the show has been missing, a touch of the Pratt black magic? In any case, the Heidi-Spencer storyline has become flat-out dull and tonight’s “showdown” in Vegas promises more of the same. Yawn.

*First line courtesy of Joan Didion’s Play It As It Lays.

The Hills: Three Is The Magic Number of Doom

May 6, 2008

photo courtesy MTV

There’s something about a group of three. Especially when it comes to girlfriends. And especially when it comes to old friends v. new friends. Someone is bound to be left out. Lately on The Hills, that unfortunate someone is Audrina. (more…)

The Hills: Hype Machine Keeps on Rollin’

April 29, 2008

The ladies of The Hills have landed on the cover of Rolling Stone. To be honest, I don’t know if I can bear to read the accompanying article. The more I learn about these people outside of the show, the less I like the show. But apparently, the above cover-shot-in-panties is historic because LC and Heidi haven’t posed together in more than a year. (Still, they reportedly did not exchange a word during the nine-hour photo shoot.) So there you have it. I have to go lie down now.

Relationship Vacation, Meant to be Spent Alone

April 15, 2008

Last night on The Hills, I learned about an exciting new concept: the relationship vacation! I’d heard of “taking a break” or “time apart,” but never of having an actual vacation from your significant other. I have some questions: Is there a limit to how many of these vacations one can take in a calendar year? Where does one go on a relationship vacation? In my imagination, this wondrous event takes place at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean, sort of like the anithesis of Sandals, that place that caters to (lame) couples. There are signs posted to remind you that you’re temporarily free of the dreary land of compromise and communication. The signs say, “Take Care of You!” and “No Partnership Allowed!” Attractive men bring you drinks all day. The drinks are laced with a special ingredient that wipes your beloved from your mind. You don’t ever call or send postcards. For fun, you waterski like The Go-Go’s.

It’s good to decide your location beforehand, so you don’t have a situation like Speidi did last night—they both picked the exact same place to get away from each other! (Well, Heidi picked. Spencer stalked.) And that place, naturally, was S Bar. (Everything happens there lately, doesn’t it? It’s the new Les Deux!) Heidi, who had somehow convinced Audrina to join her in a night out, was shocked (shocked!) to see Spencer at the bar with his brutally hot new friend Kevin (Um, Kevin? Call me!) talking to girls. (Apparently, those on relationship vacation are prohibited from interacting with the locals.) A wild-eyed Heidi seemed especially distraught about Spencer taking shots (also apparently prohibited). She screeched, “Someone’s about to go down!” For once, Spencer actually seemed like the rational party, pointing out that the relationship vacation idea was pretty, uh, stupid. “You call it relationship vacation. Anyone else on planet Earth calls that breaking up,” he said wisely.

In other news, Lauren went from “slo-mo to fashion glow” in the eyes of Kelly Cutrone and was offered a job at People’s Revolution. Will she take it? Will Audrina end up homeless when LC and Lo move in together? (Answer, courtesy Us Weekly: No, she’s going to live in their guest house.) Will Heidi take a cue from The Go-Go’s and realize that, though the relationship vacation is all she ever wanted, she was wrong—and she’s not so strong? And that she should’ve known all along that (truth and) time would tell?

Oh and another thing: Next week looks insane! Did I see Lauren actually sitting at the same table as Justin Bobby and Heidi? Whoa.