The Hills: We’re All Totally Doomed, But Maybe Heidi’s Sister Can “Peace Everything Out”

September 16, 2008

We’re experiencing the worst financial crisis in maybe 100 years, Sarah Palin [and I must quote Ed Koch here] “scares the hell out of me,” and it seems like the world is hurtling towards certain doom. But we still have The Hills, right? And maybe if Lauren and Heidi could just be friends again, the entire universe would magically fall back in line. Read the rest of this entry »

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The Hills: The Eyeliner Runneth Over

September 9, 2008

Okay, first of all: casino jail? So not real jail. They probably have TV in there! Maybe even slot machines!

Like so much in Vegas, the promised jailing of Brody Jenner was revealed as nothing but a Mirage (heh) on last night’s episode of The Hills. As the girls phoned prisons and bail bondsmen (“There’s so many bail bonds,” Stephanie said with a weary air of authority), Brody and Dougie strolled in, looking no worse than usual and laughing about their five hours in casino lockup. Sigh. Read the rest of this entry »

The Hills: The Brodster Takes No Prisoners

September 7, 2008

Does Brody Jenner have an evil twin? Tonight on The Hills, we were introduced to an alterna-Brody. This Brody has stubble and wears sunglasses indoors and seems angry all the time and spends the night in jail and—most interestingly—is some sort of truth-telling machine. I kinda like this guy! Read the rest of this entry »

Kelly Cutrone: Best Power Bitch Boss Eva!

September 2, 2008

Dear Kelly Cutrone, Will you hire me? Will you pluck me out of obscurity and teach me how to be a “Power Bitch” and also find me a male model Columbia-educated boyfriend? I have no life whatsoever and can work all day, every day. Thanks! xx

On last night’s episode of The Hills, Whitney arrived in New York City and quickly became immersed in shirtless male models. Like a border collie herding sheep, Kelly Cutrone expertly isolated one fine-looking specimen, ordering the lad to appear at “8:45 sharp” for drinks at the SoHo Grand. “This is multi-tasking in the Power Bitch world,” Kelly explained to a flustered Whitney. Then Kelly didn’t show up so that Whitney would be left alone with the guy—What a boss!

The rest of the show sucked. LC and the She-Pratt had a rousing debate about hamsters v. guinea pigs and Doug got dumped. To add insult to injury, LC called him “Dougie” as she awkwardly delivered the news that he was “way too nice” for her. Yeesh.

Oh and another thing: If you’re a glutton for punishment (like me), tune in Sunday at 7:30 p.m. for a new episode of The Hills. This one looks promising: Brody gets arrested—hopefully by the fashion police for sporting the ugly camo T-shirt he wore last night.

The Hills: “It’s Like Trying To Tell Iran and Israel To Get Along…”

August 25, 2008

Actually, it’s like watching paint dry. The Hills was a big snooze tonight. My mom summed it up in this way: “Everyone went to a birthday party and left as soon as Spencer came. I don’t blame them–I can’t stand him!” Read the rest of this entry »

Jason Is The New Bachelor!

August 20, 2008

ABC has announced that our fave single dad, Jason Mesnick, will be the star of the new Bachelor season, airing in January. (C’mon, you didn’t think it would be Graham, did you?) As you will recall, Jason, and his adorable son, Ty, captured everyone’s hearts (except maybe DeAnna’s, though she obviously cared for them both) on the last installment of The Bachelorette.

Think you’re the right woman for Jason? You can apply to be one of the ladies vying for those roses right here.

The Hills: Long Haired Freaky People Need Not Apply (To Be Friends With Lo)

August 19, 2008

My favorite scene from last night’s Hills premiere was when the pink mohawked gentleman above was getting thrown into the pool during Audrina’s birthday party as Lo watched from the kitchen with a disgusted look on her face, as though he was going to dirty up the water. Read the rest of this entry »

Tonight: The Hills is Back! (We Hope)

August 18, 2008

 

 The Hills is technically back tonight at 10 p.m., but we won’t know if it’s really back–as in, actually worth watching again–until after that. My hopes are high. Probably stupidly, unrealistically high. That happens to me from time to time. At the least, though, I think we have new opening credits to anticipate.  Meet you back here tomorrow to discuss!

I Want to Work for Laverne

August 18, 2008

I’ve been watching VH1’s I Want to Work for Diddy and it’s pretty entertaining. I’m sort of over Diddy himself but I’m totally into Laverne, the transgendered dancing queen contestant. And last Thursday she sat next to me on the N train! It was about 1:30 in the afternoon and I was coming from Queens. I think she got on around 59th Street in Manhattan. She was striking, totally decked out in a tight black pencil skirt, sky-high heels, and red lipstick. She had an oriental fan that she was waving around dramatically and her perfume smelled divine. A guy on the train came up to her and said he saw her on the show “with Puff Daddy” (hey, who can possibly keep all his names straight?) and wished her luck. She thanked him, and got off the train with me at 34th Street.

I’m not sure what this sighting means as far as whether Laverne succeeded on the show. Would Diddy’s assistant be on public transportation? I thought all his people rolled in Escalades…

Everyone Falls (Well, I Do. A Lot.)

August 18, 2008

 

Was anyone else totally caught up in the endless Hills reruns/”Most Memorable Moments” special this weekend? I was completely immersed and got excited for the new season in the process.

Here’s one of my stand-out moments from The Hills: Poor Whitney’s fall on Good Morning America at the end of Season 2. On a show where the characters tool around in BMWs, wear fantasy clothes, and are impossibly pretty (well, most of them), Whitney’s spill was one of the few relatable moments for me.

I fall. All the time, actually. I slip off curbs. I end up sprawled on the sidewalk after stepping into a hole. I’ve fallen down a flight of stairs in the library (all alone, mercifully) and down the subway steps at rush hour, with my purse’s contents spilling everywhere and a bunch of strangers rushing to my aid.

I fall so much that just seeing stairs causes me anxiety. I hold on to the hand railing if I can and I move to the side when someone in a hurry is breathing down my neck. But sometimes there is no railing. Sometimes there is sand, as there was at the beach-themed restaurant where I had dinner last week. This place had pounds of sand all over the floor (clever!) and, on the way out, I slipped down the stairs. I went down hard and scraped my elbow. The jerky guy I was with, rather than seeing if I was okay, laughed at me.

I wish I could have recovered as gracefully as Whitney, but I just got up and limped away, pissed off, red-faced, and bleeding from the elbow. Oh well.