Archive for the ‘The Hills’ Category

The Hills: Holly Montag Says “Yes, We Can.”

October 9, 2008

Holly Montag continued to attempt to bring about peace in them thar Hills this week. Unfortunately, it has taken Holly the better part of the season to get to the deep truth that most viewers realized two years ago: Spencer is the problem. (Um. Duh?) At Holly’s urging, Heidi wrote Lauren a pointless letter, along the lines of her pointless IMs and her pointless visit to LC’s apartment last season. Anyway, Lauren seemed pretty unmoved by Heidi’s heartfelt prose. Meanwhile, Spencer continued to be totally evil and Audrina went out with a new guy but ruined it when she couldn’t STFU about Justin Bobby. 

So, on to that philosophical question posed by LC as she lounged by the pool: What if Heidi never met Spencer?

Well, The Hills probably wouldn’t even be on the air anymore, for one thing. (Season One? Dull!) But putting that aside, do you think LC and Heidi would still be pals if Spencer never existed? And do you think Holly, with her blindly optimistic peacemongering, would make a good Secretary of State?


I’m Taking a Mental Health Week

September 30, 2008

The Hills was actually sort of amusing last night, but I just can’t do it this week. To sum up: Everyone is mad at everyone and crying. Doug jumped in the pool and splashed Whitney and called Lauren his “ex-fling” and decorates his house with drawings and photos of his stupid face. But they’re all filthy rich so who cares? The end.

The “Real” Hills: Audrina Is Sooo Outta There

September 25, 2008

On the reality show The Hills, Audrina and Lauren have just tearily recommitted to togetherness. But in real life, Audrina has moved out of her “chateau.” She tells Maxim the move will ultimately make her friendships stronger (yea, that’s what Spencer told Heidi when she moved out on LC, too), but then she says of Lauren and Lo: “They grew up together and hang out all the time; they’re like the Bobbsey Twins.” Ouch!

The Hills: The She-Pratt Makes Her Move

September 23, 2008

Last night brought–finally!–the much anticipated, much foreshadowed She-Pratt betrayal: Stephanie and Doug went on a date. They were totally secretive (except that Stephanie had already told Spencer and Audrina, who told Lo and Heidi, and there were, um, cameras there) but then Brody’s nosy mother ruined everything!   (more…)

The Hills: We’re All Totally Doomed, But Maybe Heidi’s Sister Can “Peace Everything Out”

September 16, 2008

We’re experiencing the worst financial crisis in maybe 100 years, Sarah Palin [and I must quote Ed Koch here] “scares the hell out of me,” and it seems like the world is hurtling towards certain doom. But we still have The Hills, right? And maybe if Lauren and Heidi could just be friends again, the entire universe would magically fall back in line. (more…)

Everyone Falls (Well, I Do. A Lot.)

August 18, 2008


Was anyone else totally caught up in the endless Hills reruns/”Most Memorable Moments” special this weekend? I was completely immersed and got excited for the new season in the process.

Here’s one of my stand-out moments from The Hills: Poor Whitney’s fall on Good Morning America at the end of Season 2. On a show where the characters tool around in BMWs, wear fantasy clothes, and are impossibly pretty (well, most of them), Whitney’s spill was one of the few relatable moments for me.

I fall. All the time, actually. I slip off curbs. I end up sprawled on the sidewalk after stepping into a hole. I’ve fallen down a flight of stairs in the library (all alone, mercifully) and down the subway steps at rush hour, with my purse’s contents spilling everywhere and a bunch of strangers rushing to my aid.

I fall so much that just seeing stairs causes me anxiety. I hold on to the hand railing if I can and I move to the side when someone in a hurry is breathing down my neck. But sometimes there is no railing. Sometimes there is sand, as there was at the beach-themed restaurant where I had dinner last week. This place had pounds of sand all over the floor (clever!) and, on the way out, I slipped down the stairs. I went down hard and scraped my elbow. The jerky guy I was with, rather than seeing if I was okay, laughed at me.

I wish I could have recovered as gracefully as Whitney, but I just got up and limped away, pissed off, red-faced, and bleeding from the elbow. Oh well.

The Hills: Our Recurring Nightmare?

August 1, 2008

On August 18, Season 4 of The Hills starts on MTV. That is, if you can make it through whatever lame, two-hour-long “world premiere” that MTV has likely dreamed up to torture us: Red carpet arrivals, some pointless musical guest, and “exclusive” interviews with people like Brent Bolthouse, followed by 15 minutes of the actual show.

As you can tell, I have mixed feelings about the return of The Hills. Let’s face it: That last “bonus season” sucked. I have my doubts that the show can regain the magic of Season 2. (more…)

The Hills: Summer Fun Edition!

June 18, 2008

Why, hello there! So The Hills is on hiatus, but the drama is not. Here’s a quick round-up of the latest news:

  • The New York Observer has a fantastic profile of awesome-yet-fearsome “power bitch” Kelly Cutrone, Whitney’s boss at People’s Revolution. Says Kelly of her initial meeting with a teary Lauren in Season 1: “She was slow.” [Note to Kelly: Love that couch!]
  • Speaking of Whitney, she will reportedly star in a new Hills spin-off. (Sorry, Speidi!) The show will depict Ms. Port’s new bi-coastal lifestyle and have her palling around with various NYC wanna-be “socialites.” Poor Whitney.
  • Brody is getting his own show, too. (Sorry, Speidi!) The unfortunately-named Bromance will follow Brody as he seeks a new bestie to take Spencer’s place, and will feature hot tub elimination ceremonies. Ryan Seacrest is producing. “I can speak from experience — girls can come and go, but a ‘bromance’ can last forever,” Seacrest told Variety. Good god.
  • Have Lauren and Audrina mended their fences? Possibly.
  • Best for last: David Letterman totally eviscerated Spencer on his show last week. When Spencer says he doesn’t go to a club for less than $100,000, Dave cracks up and offers his best guess of Spencer’s actual fee: two beers. Ha! Meanwhile, creepy Fembot Heidi tries ineffectively to register sincerity on her frozen face and insists Spencer actually “lowballed” their fee. Right. Video here.

The Hills: Lauren Serves Crab, Makes Me Crabby

May 13, 2008

The Hills (or whatever MTV played between all those damn commercials) was painful last night—and not in a good way! Can we even pretend this show is good anymore? It’s like that milk in my refrigerator that’s two days past due and sort of dubious, but which I use in my tea anyway out of sheer laziness. At this point, The Hills is curdled and totally unsatisfying.

Nothing was even close to resolved last night. In fact, nothing really happened at all. Audrina looked at an apartment. Lauren and Lo cooked crab. They invited Audrina to eat the crab with them. She already had other plans. Audrina told Lauren that Lo was coming between them. Lauren disagreed. The end. Oh and some nonsense in Vegas with Heidi and Spencer. It made no sense. It was, in the words of my viewing partner, “absurd.”

This “bonus season” was a mistake. There simply wasn’t enough going on to fill it out. MTV should learn a lesson from this. Rather than dragging out the seasons, call it quits when the drama runs dry. Make a better Season 4. Or just end the show. But don’t serve us this crab, for God’s sake.

Deconstructing The Hills: Spencer’s Motivations

May 11, 2008

What makes Spencer evil? some people ask. I never ask.*

But now, in a new interview with The Los Angeles Times, Spencer helpfully provides the answer himself:

“‘The Hills’ needed some evil, Spencer figured. ‘I saw a clip of the show, and everyone was so nice,’ he said mockingly. ‘Friendly,’ he added with disgust. So yes, he wanted to ’cause drama’ and ‘get my own show.'”

I guess he has a point; the closest thing The Hills had to a villian in Season 1 was Lisa Love. Though I wouldn’t say everyone was “so nice.” Jason Wahler? Not very nice. And Heidi’s then-boyfriend Jordan Eubanks? Not such a sweet guy. But, certainly, no one approached Spencer’s level of evil until Spencer himself arrived in Season 2. Yet the new, depressed Spencer hasn’t been able to cause too much drama in this bonus season, has he? (On the show, at least. He continues to gleefully make trouble in the tabloids.)

I wonder if that’s what the show has been missing, a touch of the Pratt black magic? In any case, the Heidi-Spencer storyline has become flat-out dull and tonight’s “showdown” in Vegas promises more of the same. Yawn.

*First line courtesy of Joan Didion’s Play It As It Lays.