Archive for the ‘The Hills Season 4’ Category

The Hills: Holly Montag Says “Yes, We Can.”

October 9, 2008

Holly Montag continued to attempt to bring about peace in them thar Hills this week. Unfortunately, it has taken Holly the better part of the season to get to the deep truth that most viewers realized two years ago: Spencer is the problem. (Um. Duh?) At Holly’s urging, Heidi wrote Lauren a pointless letter, along the lines of her pointless IMs and her pointless visit to LC’s apartment last season. Anyway, Lauren seemed pretty unmoved by Heidi’s heartfelt prose. Meanwhile, Spencer continued to be totally evil and Audrina went out with a new guy but ruined it when she couldn’t STFU about Justin Bobby. 

So, on to that philosophical question posed by LC as she lounged by the pool: What if Heidi never met Spencer?

Well, The Hills probably wouldn’t even be on the air anymore, for one thing. (Season One? Dull!) But putting that aside, do you think LC and Heidi would still be pals if Spencer never existed? And do you think Holly, with her blindly optimistic peacemongering, would make a good Secretary of State?

I’m Taking a Mental Health Week

September 30, 2008

The Hills was actually sort of amusing last night, but I just can’t do it this week. To sum up: Everyone is mad at everyone and crying. Doug jumped in the pool and splashed Whitney and called Lauren his “ex-fling” and decorates his house with drawings and photos of his stupid face. But they’re all filthy rich so who cares? The end.

The “Real” Hills: Audrina Is Sooo Outta There

September 25, 2008

On the reality show The Hills, Audrina and Lauren have just tearily recommitted to togetherness. But in real life, Audrina has moved out of her “chateau.” She tells Maxim the move will ultimately make her friendships stronger (yea, that’s what Spencer told Heidi when she moved out on LC, too), but then she says of Lauren and Lo: “They grew up together and hang out all the time; they’re like the Bobbsey Twins.” Ouch!

The Hills: The She-Pratt Makes Her Move

September 23, 2008


Last night brought–finally!–the much anticipated, much foreshadowed She-Pratt betrayal: Stephanie and Doug went on a date. They were totally secretive (except that Stephanie had already told Spencer and Audrina, who told Lo and Heidi, and there were, um, cameras there) but then Brody’s nosy mother ruined everything!   (more…)

The Hills: We’re All Totally Doomed, But Maybe Heidi’s Sister Can “Peace Everything Out”

September 16, 2008

We’re experiencing the worst financial crisis in maybe 100 years, Sarah Palin [and I must quote Ed Koch here] “scares the hell out of me,” and it seems like the world is hurtling towards certain doom. But we still have The Hills, right? And maybe if Lauren and Heidi could just be friends again, the entire universe would magically fall back in line. (more…)

The Hills: The Eyeliner Runneth Over

September 9, 2008

Okay, first of all: casino jail? So not real jail. They probably have TV in there! Maybe even slot machines!

Like so much in Vegas, the promised jailing of Brody Jenner was revealed as nothing but a Mirage (heh) on last night’s episode of The Hills. As the girls phoned prisons and bail bondsmen (“There’s so many bail bonds,” Stephanie said with a weary air of authority), Brody and Dougie strolled in, looking no worse than usual and laughing about their five hours in casino lockup. Sigh. (more…)

The Hills: The Brodster Takes No Prisoners

September 7, 2008

Does Brody Jenner have an evil twin? Tonight on The Hills, we were introduced to an alterna-Brody. This Brody has stubble and wears sunglasses indoors and seems angry all the time and spends the night in jail and—most interestingly—is some sort of truth-telling machine. I kinda like this guy! (more…)

Kelly Cutrone: Best Power Bitch Boss Eva!

September 2, 2008

Dear Kelly Cutrone, Will you hire me? Will you pluck me out of obscurity and teach me how to be a “Power Bitch” and also find me a male model Columbia-educated boyfriend? I have no life whatsoever and can work all day, every day. Thanks! xx

On last night’s episode of The Hills, Whitney arrived in New York City and quickly became immersed in shirtless male models. Like a border collie herding sheep, Kelly Cutrone expertly isolated one fine-looking specimen, ordering the lad to appear at “8:45 sharp” for drinks at the SoHo Grand. “This is multi-tasking in the Power Bitch world,” Kelly explained to a flustered Whitney. Then Kelly didn’t show up so that Whitney would be left alone with the guy—What a boss!

The rest of the show sucked. LC and the She-Pratt had a rousing debate about hamsters v. guinea pigs and Doug got dumped. To add insult to injury, LC called him “Dougie” as she awkwardly delivered the news that he was “way too nice” for her. Yeesh.

Oh and another thing: If you’re a glutton for punishment (like me), tune in Sunday at 7:30 p.m. for a new episode of The Hills. This one looks promising: Brody gets arrested—hopefully by the fashion police for sporting the ugly camo T-shirt he wore last night.

The Hills: “It’s Like Trying To Tell Iran and Israel To Get Along…”

August 25, 2008

Actually, it’s like watching paint dry. The Hills was a big snooze tonight. My mom summed it up in this way: “Everyone went to a birthday party and left as soon as Spencer came. I don’t blame them–I can’t stand him!” (more…)

The Hills: Long Haired Freaky People Need Not Apply (To Be Friends With Lo)

August 19, 2008

My favorite scene from last night’s Hills premiere was when the pink mohawked gentleman above was getting thrown into the pool during Audrina’s birthday party as Lo watched from the kitchen with a disgusted look on her face, as though he was going to dirty up the water. (more…)