Archive for the ‘The Hills Season 3’ Category

The Hills: Lauren Serves Crab, Makes Me Crabby

May 13, 2008

The Hills (or whatever MTV played between all those damn commercials) was painful last night—and not in a good way! Can we even pretend this show is good anymore? It’s like that milk in my refrigerator that’s two days past due and sort of dubious, but which I use in my tea anyway out of sheer laziness. At this point, The Hills is curdled and totally unsatisfying.

Nothing was even close to resolved last night. In fact, nothing really happened at all. Audrina looked at an apartment. Lauren and Lo cooked crab. They invited Audrina to eat the crab with them. She already had other plans. Audrina told Lauren that Lo was coming between them. Lauren disagreed. The end. Oh and some nonsense in Vegas with Heidi and Spencer. It made no sense. It was, in the words of my viewing partner, “absurd.”

This “bonus season” was a mistake. There simply wasn’t enough going on to fill it out. MTV should learn a lesson from this. Rather than dragging out the seasons, call it quits when the drama runs dry. Make a better Season 4. Or just end the show. But don’t serve us this crab, for God’s sake.

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Deconstructing The Hills: Spencer’s Motivations

May 11, 2008

What makes Spencer evil? some people ask. I never ask.*

But now, in a new interview with The Los Angeles Times, Spencer helpfully provides the answer himself:

“‘The Hills’ needed some evil, Spencer figured. ‘I saw a clip of the show, and everyone was so nice,’ he said mockingly. ‘Friendly,’ he added with disgust. So yes, he wanted to ’cause drama’ and ‘get my own show.'”

I guess he has a point; the closest thing The Hills had to a villian in Season 1 was Lisa Love. Though I wouldn’t say everyone was “so nice.” Jason Wahler? Not very nice. And Heidi’s then-boyfriend Jordan Eubanks? Not such a sweet guy. But, certainly, no one approached Spencer’s level of evil until Spencer himself arrived in Season 2. Yet the new, depressed Spencer hasn’t been able to cause too much drama in this bonus season, has he? (On the show, at least. He continues to gleefully make trouble in the tabloids.)

I wonder if that’s what the show has been missing, a touch of the Pratt black magic? In any case, the Heidi-Spencer storyline has become flat-out dull and tonight’s “showdown” in Vegas promises more of the same. Yawn.

*First line courtesy of Joan Didion’s Play It As It Lays.

The Hills: Three Is The Magic Number of Doom

May 6, 2008

photo courtesy MTV

There’s something about a group of three. Especially when it comes to girlfriends. And especially when it comes to old friends v. new friends. Someone is bound to be left out. Lately on The Hills, that unfortunate someone is Audrina. (more…)

Dates With The Past Are So Totally Overrated

April 29, 2008

photo by MTV

Don’t you hate it when you go on a date with the past and it’s completely disappointing? Like the past is all pale and wan, and not really interested in you and maybe still reeling from its break-up with Hayden Panettiere? Last night on The Hills, Lauren went on just such a date with her former Laguna Beach crush, Stephen Colletti. But before that, there was a housewarming party at the new LC-Lo-Audrina pad, which is so unfairly spacious, sunny, and beautiful that it made me want to punch the walls of my dusty third-floor walk-up in Queens. Anyway! The party was chock-full of the Ghosts of Boyfriends Past. (Seriously, that house is going to need an exorcism.) Not only was Stephen (normally incredibly cute, but looking sickly last night) there, but also Brody (with now-ex GF Cora Skinner), Jared (the personal trainer and one-time Whitney date), and Justin Bobby.

Poor Audrina, relegated to the guest house and somehow wearing a backless turtleneck (?), seemed to understand that her exile was now complete. She even mentioned to JB that perhaps she should look for a place of her own (um, a little late?). When Lauren and Stephen finally went on their “date,” it was a whole lotta nothing. I mean: Nothing. They caught up. Yawn. When Stephen drove her home, they had a boring convo about LC’s high school curfew, but MTV played some faux-meaningful pop song to fool us into thinking it was all leading somewhere. But no. (It seemed like they were desperately trying to fill space because nothing happened.) As Lauren later explained to Lo: “When I’m out with him, I feel like I’m in high school. But I’m not in high school anymore.” That’s right, Lauren. You’re in college now. (And maybe you should try to finish up? You’re 22, after all.) So what did we learn? Well, don’t go on a date with the past. Especially don’t ask the past to accompany you to a Wilco concert at McCarren Park Pool in August. Because the past is a real jerk sometimes and that’s why you’re not together anymore. Just get a puppy instead—like Lauren does next week!

Oh and another thing: Best underminer-y line of the night goes to Lo: “Brody’s girlfriend is very pretty with very large breasts.” Runner up: Spencer teasing Stephanie about her semi-formal date. (I’m not recapping the Heidi-Spencer-She-Pratt subplot because it was so utterly pointless and staged and, worse, flat-out boring, that I can’t bear to re-live it. Sorry.)

The Hills: Would You Like Some Judgement With Your Grapefruit?

April 22, 2008

Photo Courtesy MTV

Ladies, we’ve all been there. You reconnect with an ex for some godforsaken reason (like boredom). Maybe you even fool yourself into being slightly excited about this development. After all, your ex is a good time, a fun guy to have drinks with, hang with (maybe even take a motorcycle ride with!). And he’s changed! He’s stopped drinking, stopped burping, stopped making out with other girls in front of you—for one night at least. So the next morning, before you can help yourself, you’re confiding the details to your friend. The judgey one. (You know the one.) The one who wrinkles her nose, gets up on her high horse, and acts like you’re clearly an idiot. And she would never be so dumb/desperate.  

Lauren played the Judgey Friend last night (she’s getting quite comfortable in that role) on The Hills. Props to Audrina for gently reminding LC about her own nasty habit of recycling boyfriends. To which Lauren said: “I stopped going back to Jason.” Yea, you did. Because he got engaged to someone else right in front of you. How quickly the Judgey Friend forgets! Sheesh.

The ex at the center of the drama, of course, was Justin Bobby, who made his much-anticipated return last night, looking like Indiana Jones in his hat and leather jacket. Shockingly, JB did seem much more on the ball this time around. He actually listened to what Audrina said and even responded! He was also an enthusiastic part of The Most Awkward Table Eva, a historic event that took place at Goa. Other participants included: Heidi, the She-Pratt, Lo, Lauren, and Audrina. The Most Awkward Table Eva was truly a treat. Of course, Lauren ruined it all by bolting. (Seriously, though, how could Heidi think everything would be fine? “Old water under the bridge,” eh? Not quite. Even Spencer, who is amazingly deluded, isn’t that deluded.)

Anyway, I feel bad for Audrina, now the odd woman out. Hearing Lo and Lauren cackle (seriously cackle!) about their plans to torture her future boyfriends was frightening. It seemed mean-spirited. Oh and who pops up next week but Stephen Colletti, Lauren’s Laguna Beach ex! But I’m sure Lauren wouldn’t do anything totally dumb like go to dinner with an ex (especially an ex that played her so badly, dating her and former nemesis Kristin Cavallari at the same time). No, Lauren’s waaaay too smart for that.

Oh and another thing: So Lauren changed jobs just like that? No tearful goodbye with Lisa Love? No montage of best moments from The Closet? It’s not right. I need closure, people.

Deconstructing The Hills: New Yorker Edition

April 18, 2008

In this week’s (well, practically last week’s at this point but bear with me. It’s been a rough one, kids) issue of The New Yorker, critic Nancy Franklin searches for meaning in The Hills. (Above is the New Yorker-fied LC as depicted by illustrator QuickHoney.) Nancy is clearly a Hills newbie—she’s still incredulous that Lauren didn’t go to Paris two seasons ago! Anyway, she makes a few keen observations (“Lauren looks like Marcia Brady, and the three others have dead eyes, although at least Whitney, alone of the girls, appears to understand what having a career means.”) But the piece mostly reads like a summary of the show from the perspective of an…er... older person who is bored/perplexed by it. “I have yet to hear any character on the show say something interesting or funny,” she writes “or see anything that expands my sense of what it’s like to be a young person in Los Angeles.” (The Hills has definitely given me a sense of what it’s like to be young in LA: You have to drive everywhere.) But Nancy does get off one truly great zinger—describing LC’s clothing line as “sub-Old Navy in design.” That’s harsh. True, yet harsh.

Relationship Vacation, Meant to be Spent Alone

April 15, 2008

Last night on The Hills, I learned about an exciting new concept: the relationship vacation! I’d heard of “taking a break” or “time apart,” but never of having an actual vacation from your significant other. I have some questions: Is there a limit to how many of these vacations one can take in a calendar year? Where does one go on a relationship vacation? In my imagination, this wondrous event takes place at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean, sort of like the anithesis of Sandals, that place that caters to (lame) couples. There are signs posted to remind you that you’re temporarily free of the dreary land of compromise and communication. The signs say, “Take Care of You!” and “No Partnership Allowed!” Attractive men bring you drinks all day. The drinks are laced with a special ingredient that wipes your beloved from your mind. You don’t ever call or send postcards. For fun, you waterski like The Go-Go’s.

It’s good to decide your location beforehand, so you don’t have a situation like Speidi did last night—they both picked the exact same place to get away from each other! (Well, Heidi picked. Spencer stalked.) And that place, naturally, was S Bar. (Everything happens there lately, doesn’t it? It’s the new Les Deux!) Heidi, who had somehow convinced Audrina to join her in a night out, was shocked (shocked!) to see Spencer at the bar with his brutally hot new friend Kevin (Um, Kevin? Call me!) talking to girls. (Apparently, those on relationship vacation are prohibited from interacting with the locals.) A wild-eyed Heidi seemed especially distraught about Spencer taking shots (also apparently prohibited). She screeched, “Someone’s about to go down!” For once, Spencer actually seemed like the rational party, pointing out that the relationship vacation idea was pretty, uh, stupid. “You call it relationship vacation. Anyone else on planet Earth calls that breaking up,” he said wisely.

In other news, Lauren went from “slo-mo to fashion glow” in the eyes of Kelly Cutrone and was offered a job at People’s Revolution. Will she take it? Will Audrina end up homeless when LC and Lo move in together? (Answer, courtesy Us Weekly: No, she’s going to live in their guest house.) Will Heidi take a cue from The Go-Go’s and realize that, though the relationship vacation is all she ever wanted, she was wrong—and she’s not so strong? And that she should’ve known all along that (truth and) time would tell?

Oh and another thing: Next week looks insane! Did I see Lauren actually sitting at the same table as Justin Bobby and Heidi? Whoa.

Note to MTV: You Suck

April 14, 2008

Okay, it’s 11:40 p.m. and I have no idea what happened on The Hills tonight (I also have no idea where my children are, but that’s a different story). MTV.com is experiencing some kind of meltdown. (Yea, I watch the The Hills online.) Never had a major problem before but tonight’s episode refuses to play. And people are freaking out! There’s more than 100 comments ranging from “wtf?” to “this sucks ass” to “OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.” My thoughts exactly.

One clever commentor seemed to have found the cure. She advised people to head to the MTV homepage and click on the Nelly video. And it worked! Nelly somehow magically led to The Hills! I got through the opening scene with Heidi and Audrina, then the theme song, then … darkness descended once again. MTV, you are cruel.

Update 12:20 a.m.: Success! Man, that was brutal. Anyway, recap to follow…

Deconstructing The Hills: What’s Gone Wrong?

April 9, 2008

Hm. Something is not right... (photo by MTV)

I’ve been feeling very melancholy lately. (As a friend brilliantly put it, I have a case of “The Rottens.”) So bear in mind that it may be my bad mood talking when I say: This bonus season of The Hills just isn’t doing it for me. It all sounds so good: LC befriending Spencer’s sister! Speidi on the rocks! Audrina and Heidi mending fences! This is the stuff of drama! And yet it’s somehow unsatisfying. So what’s gone wrong? My theories:

It’s increasingly, obviously unreal: No one ever mistook The Hills for a documentary. But this season, the story-lines seem incredibly forced. Are we to believe LC and the She-Pratt just happened to end up in the same class or that everyone just happens to end up at the same bar all the time? (How small is LA, anyway?) Not to mention that the editors have gotten sloppier. On Monday’s episodes, Lauren’s hair kept changing lengths and Spencer’s beard kept appearing and disappearing.

It hurts to look at Heidi: Whatever Heidi has done to her lips, I hope to God they deflate soon because they’re actually distracting.

Spencer is depressed—and it’s depressing: I always wanted to see the man formerly known as “Playboy Spence” taken down a few pegs. But this new, Sad Spencer is a sorry creature indeed—-reduced to being verbally slapped around by his little sister. The sight of him, pale and crumpled on the couch, waiting only for 24 to start, is killing my Hills buzz big time. I actually miss his cockiness and relentless scheming.

There’s zero romance: Oh give me the days of Lauren and Jason! Or the early promise of Lauren and Brody! Give me Whitney and her lunkhead trainer! Gimme Justin Bobby, for God’s sake! Give me crap pop songs by Garrison Starr and roses and puppies (speaking of which, whatever happened to poor Bella, the puppy Heidi’s ex Jordan gave her in Season 1?) The point is, The Hills desperately needs a jolt in the form of romantic intrigue, especially since Lauren’s much-promoted French fling was nonexistent.

The hype machine killed it: Maybe the reason why none of these gripping-on-paper story-lines are actually gripping me is because I, like any reader of Us or People, knew about all these plot developments months ago. Because The Hills has become such a phenomenon, we all know immediately when Speidi stay in separate hotel rooms in Vegas or Lauren ignores Brody at a club. In addition to the spoilers, the simple fact that The Hills is everywhere lately has caused inevitable backlash.

What’s your take? Did I drink too much Hatorade or is The Hills lacking? And if you’re a new viewer, how are you liking it so far?

The Hills: Lauren Still Annoyed, Deluded

April 8, 2008

To true friends! (photo by MTV)

You know things have gotten bad when Brody Jenner is the voice of reason! Sheesh. Last night on The Hills, Brody cautioned Lauren about her inexplicable and ill-advised “friendship” with Stephanie Pratt. This was after Lauren boasted of clinking Sugar-Free Red Bulls with the She-Pratt at her birthday party. (An aside: Isn’t it weird that just a year ago, Spencer was giving Lauren’s birthday toast? That birthday party kicked ass compared to this one, which seemed kinda lame. Still, this one was better than LC’s 20th, which she spent being sad in a hotel room with Jason. But I digress.)

Last night was all about (more) shifting alliances, as Audrina semi-made-up with a tearful Heidi, much to Lauren’s annoyance. (But everything annoys her, doesn’t it?) It was comical watching Lauren warn Audrina (who looked pissed!) about Heidi, as Lauren seems blind to the fact that her own decision to befriend the She-Pratt might not be, uh, smart.

Meanwhile, Spencer launched “Operation Win Heidi Back At All Costs,” which apparently involves being unemployed, growing a beard, and laying on the couch watching TV all day. (I think many of my exes are working on similar “operations.” Heh.) Seems that next week, Speidi will (again) deal with the whole are-we-dating-other-people issue, as signified by preview clips that showed much yelling and car door-slamming.

Stay tuned for more Hills coverage. In the meantime, what did you think of last night’s episodes?

Oh and another thing: Heidi’s paint color may be a mystery, but the pottery she was eyeing last night is part of Jonathan Adler’s Utopia collection. It’s available here–lovely, but not cheap!