Finding myself again in front of my parents’ TV on Sunday (I know, I should get out more), I was pleased to come upon a one-hour A&E bio of Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, clearly meant as a primer for the two riveting new episodes of The Two Coreys airing later in the evening. I took in this informative biography with my mom and my younger sister, who was slightly cranky, as I was holding the remote.
It was a relief—after watching the trainwreck that was The Two Coreys last week—to see The Coreys restored to youth and 80s glory in the biography. But as cute shots of them as toddlers (or, as their parents might say, “good little wage-earners”) and as teen idols gave way to drugs, arrests, and general failure, the mood turned gloomy. Near the end, Feldman cheerfully insisted that the whole mess had been worth it. “If I hadn’t f—k’d up as much as I had, I wouldn’t have gotten the lesson,” he said.
“But you might have a career!” my sister shouted.
Then Haim came on and babbled incoherently about being clean. He may have convinced the producers of Lost Boys 2: The Tribe of his sobriety, but he did not manage to convince my mother. “I don’t think he’s off the drugs,” she said. “I don’t believe him.”
“How can he have a comeback now?” my sister wondered. “He’s like 40.” [Actually, he’s 36 but he looks at least 40 so whatevs.]
“Maybe he can have a comeback behind the camera,” my mom offered, generously.
“People have comebacks…” I began, and struggled to think of someone besides that former child star dude who was nominated for an Oscar for Little Children after having not worked for like 20 years. Him.
“Like Jason Bateman!” my sister said.
“He’s wholesome-looking,” my mom pointed out. “But this guy [Haim] is scary! His eyes blink! You can tell he’s a nervous wreck!”
“In fairness, mom, all of our eyes blink,” I said.
“But you don’t blink like this!” She proceeded to open and shut her eyes maniacally in a scary-yet-accurate impression of the Haimster. I conceded the point.
“Maybe I can write his comeback vehicle,” I said, feeling inspired.
“Just write ‘Truth,’ and ‘Man,'” my mom suggested, neatly summarizing most of the dialogue on last week’s episodes of The Two Coreys.
“And ‘Deep!’” my sister added, correctly identifying The Coreys’ other favorite word.
“Maybe a reality show,” I said, suddenly feeling less inspired and more sleepy and daunted. “It could be called, Who Wants to Marry Corey Haim? Feldman and Susie could be judges, and maybe Haim’s mom and like the editor of Twist magazine or something? And Haim’s ex-girlfriends, like Nicole Eggert, could make guest appearances.”
“I’m sure someone still wants to marry him,” I continued. “Maybe it could be me. Maybe I’m the one who can save Corey Haim.”
“You’re not very patient or nurturing,” my sister said. [Okay, she didn’t actually say that. But I know she said it in her head!] “I don’t think you’re right for him.”
“I am! I could be!” I yelped. Then I let the remote take us back where we belonged, the America’s Next Top Model marathon on MTV.
[Stay tuned for a summary of last night’s The Two Coreys!]