Watching TV With My Mom: The Two Coreys

Finding myself unexpectedly sprawled on my parents’ couch in New Jersey last night (I know, how does that happen?) and having been bombarded all day by relentless promos for the Season Two premiere of the A&E “reality” drama The Two Coreys, I decided to indulge. Oh and I made my mom watch with me. (Sorry, mom!)

Of course, I was familiar with 80s teen stars Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. (Which one did you covet back in the day? I had a giant crush on Goonies-era Feldman, but I’d switched my allegiance to Haim by License to Drive. My mom had/has no preference.) Although I didn’t partake in Season One, I was also familiar with the gist of The Two Coreys. Basically, The Coreys—now both 36. Yipes!—are trying to rebuild their careers and friendship after years of drug abuse (for Haim, especially), and lots of direct-to-DVD releases, and some sort of falling out, etc. I think the original idea was very “Odd Couple-y,” as single and still-wild (though apparently sober) Haim moved in with settled-down and cleaned-up Feldman, his wife Susie (whom he married on the first season of VH1’s The Surreal Life) and toddler son, Zen.

Anyway! It seems now that the whole “ha-ha we’re roomies and so different, watch us harmlessly bicker!” idea has gone out the window. Last night’s back-to-back episodes were more along the lines of Intervention; the show is grainy and brown (either that, or my parents’ TV is totally shot). It opened with The Coreys driving separately to meet each other for some big heart-to-heart about the miserable state of their friendship (the meeting was pre-arranged by managers and producers, naturally). It seems Haim had given some nasty interview to the National Enquirer and called Feldman’s wife a bitch, and then retreated to his native Canada, where he’d somehow managed to talk his way into a role in Lost Boys 2: The Tribe, which Feldman was supposed to be in alone! (The movie is going straight-to-DVD next month and stars no one you ever heard of besides The Coreys.)

So! The drama of them getting ready for their big meeting was almost too much. Feldman put on a white bedazzled hoodie (hood up, natch) and giant shades. “He looks like he’s going to a boxing match,” I commented as Feldman (right on cue) did some air punches in the mirror. “Or to hold up a 7-11!” my mom said. Well, yes.

Haim, wearing an ill-advised black knit cap, prepared by chain smoking. It must be said: Haim’s appearance is somewhat startling. His skin tone is oddly grey (or else—-dammit!—my folks really do need a new TV), his face is bloated, and he just doesn’t look well. His conversation is somewhat incoherent; one gets the feeling that he’s not all there and is really overly optimistic about his career (remember his “I’m ready to work” ad in Variety?) It’s sad, especially when, having just returned to LA, he stands out on his balcony and yells: “The kid’s back, baby!” Later, he insists, “I’m going to become a working actor and do some really good stuff.” Aww.

When our heroes finally met at a diner, the dialogue went something like this:

Corey: Let’s do this thing man!

Corey: How deep do you want to get, kid?

Corey: Real deep, man!

Corey: I’ll get deep, man!

Corey: Deep, kid!

Seriously, that’s how it was (and I didn’t bother differentiating between them here because there was no difference). But then it did get deep, a little. Both of them started talking about being molested as teenagers and Haim confessed that he was mad at Feldman for not doing something to protect him. Then Haim just bolted (did Feldman get stuck with the check?). “I don’t think they can ever be friends again,” my mom declared, as she inched away from the TV. I weakly tried to prevent her from fleeing: “Mom, it’s getting good!” But it was 10:45 p.m. and, seeing as nothing at all had happened, my mom was done with The Coreys. “All they say is ‘Man! Gimme the truth, man! Man! The truth! Deep! Man!'” and they don’t really say anything,” my mom pointed out. Faced with this logic, I had no choice but to let her go to bed, perchance to dream a little dream. Heh.

Later, Haim called Feldman and apologized for the Enquirer interview. Then they ended up going to a counselor. Friendship therapy–that’s progress! The end was sort of heartbreaking (really!). Sad Haim was in his sad apartment alone, painting sad paintings. “I really don’t have anyone to call in LA or anyone to hang out with,” he said. Cut to Feldman throwing a party at his pad (one of the twins from Nelson who is not the one named Gunnar was in attendance!) and making fun of the situation with Haim, much to everyone’s amusement.

I don’t know if I can commit to this show. First, seeing how The Coreys have aged makes me keenly aware of my own mortality. And, remembering their heydey, it’s depressing to see how excited they get about their current lame projects—-and it also makes me wonder whether I’m similarly deluded about my own career prospects. (Yes, I realize that I have a tendency to make absolutely everything about me. So?) Also, there’s probably no way I can trick my mom into watching this again. Sigh.




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