Archive for May, 2008

The Bachelor: Chelsea Didn’t See This Coming

May 16, 2008

Chelsea has spoken! And she’s doing just fine, folks, so don’t worry! She revealed all to (Who needs After the Final Rose? Not us!) Here’s some highlights from Chelsea’s interview: (more…)


Decision ’08: The World Reacts

May 14, 2008

So it’s the day after the day after The Bachelor chose his mate and you’re not sure how to feel (especially after the future bride of an English gentleman stripped down for sleazy Girls Gone Wild). Let’s take a deep breath and try to make sense of it all as we peruse the news coverage:

  • From The Daily News: Shayne: “We’re not rushing into marriage right away, but we’re engaged, 100%. There’s a ring on my finger, baby. I am taken. As far as the wedding, we’ll make those plans when we’re ready.” Matt on future Daddy-In-Law Lorenzo Lamas: “I spoke to Lorenzo recently and we’re looking forward to doing ‘Renegade 2,’ father and son-in-law … A 6-foot-5, 240-pound Brit on the back of his Harley.”
  • From In the future, when Matt and Shayne let their grandchildren watch the run-up to their engagement, they will “TiVo through the other girls,” says Shayne. Makes sense. Also: Matt’s mum calls Shayne “monkey!” Aww.
  • From Matt and Shayne have invented an alter ego for Matt named “Bob,” whom they blame for the things Matt did on the show that Shayne does not like. (As in, “I wish Bob hadn’t made out with Chelsea quite so much.”) Also: Matt does not rule out trying his hand at acting. Good god.
  • From Entertainment Weekly: “In the end, it came down to Chelsea’s energy versus Shayne’s warmth and total devotion to Matt (which he preferred to describe as ‘not having a selfish bone in her body.’)”
  • From The Mirror (London): Matt’s parents “cannot wait for the wedding.” Apparently, no one told them about the whole “not rushing” thing. Whoops.
  • From me: If these two ever split, the perfect headline would be: “This Monkey’s Gone to Heaven.” (Pixies fans? Anyone?)

The Bachelor: Monkey Gone Wild

May 13, 2008

Oh my. Shayne has posed in her skivvies for Girls Gone Wild magazine. (There’s a Girls Gone Wild magazine? Who knew?) The six-page pictorial apparently features no nudity, but, er, probably lots of shots like the one above. More details—and an unfortunate wedding veil photo—over at

The Hills: Lauren Serves Crab, Makes Me Crabby

May 13, 2008

The Hills (or whatever MTV played between all those damn commercials) was painful last night—and not in a good way! Can we even pretend this show is good anymore? It’s like that milk in my refrigerator that’s two days past due and sort of dubious, but which I use in my tea anyway out of sheer laziness. At this point, The Hills is curdled and totally unsatisfying.

Nothing was even close to resolved last night. In fact, nothing really happened at all. Audrina looked at an apartment. Lauren and Lo cooked crab. They invited Audrina to eat the crab with them. She already had other plans. Audrina told Lauren that Lo was coming between them. Lauren disagreed. The end. Oh and some nonsense in Vegas with Heidi and Spencer. It made no sense. It was, in the words of my viewing partner, “absurd.”

This “bonus season” was a mistake. There simply wasn’t enough going on to fill it out. MTV should learn a lesson from this. Rather than dragging out the seasons, call it quits when the drama runs dry. Make a better Season 4. Or just end the show. But don’t serve us this crab, for God’s sake.

The Morning After: Shayne Sucks at Trivial Pursuit, Not Rushing to Get Hitched

May 13, 2008 has an update on our new Bachelor couple Matt Grant and Shayne Lamas. In grand Bachelor tradition, the happy-for-now couple isn’t rushing to the altar. “There’s still a lot of growing to do in our relationship,” Shayne said. “We will not tie the knot until I am mentally and physically prepared as well as Matt.” [“Physically prepared?” What does that entail? A strict spray tanning regimen? ha.] Matt confesses that, in the months since the finale was filmed, he has learned an important truth about his lady love: She sucks at Trivial Pursuit. “Shayne is absolutely terrible at Trivial Pursuit,” Matt told People. “I love her very much. I would die for this woman but she cannot play!” Funny, I didn’t think her board game skills were what attracted him!

The Bachelor: Matt Gets His Monkey

May 12, 2008

It’s Shayne! Last night on The Bachelor, Matt Grant popped the question to his “monkey,” 22-year-old actress Shayne Lamas. (Pet names are cute and all, but I dunno whether I want anyone calling me “monkey” during a marriage proposal.) Shayne, in a canary yellow dress, happily accepted the whomping huge diamond Matt presented her. But before that, Matt had to ditch Chelsea, a moment made more unpleasant when Chelsea lost her cool and trashed Shayne. “To me, she was the falsest person here,” Chelsea declared. (Bitter much?) Chelsea, who looked ready for the altar (or the prom) in a white gown and severe updo, later summed up her feelings about Matt’s decision in this way: “He’s a fool. He is a fool.” But when it comes to love—and reality television—-aren’t we all?

Oh and another thing: No “After the Final Rose,” I guess? There was no mention of it. Hm.

Tell me: Do you think Matt made the right choice? Were you surprised?

The Bachelor: Decision ’08

May 12, 2008

Tonight’s the night! Finally, we’ll find out who will be our Mrs. Grant-in-waiting and whose dreams of marrying an English gentleman will end tonight. I actually like both Shayne and Chelsea so I guess I won’t be horribly disappointed UNLESS Matt pulls the old “I choose me” which has become a sad possibility ever since Jen Schefft and Brad Womack ruined everything for everyone. But I don’t think Matt would do that to us. He’s British. He has manners.

It’s no secret that my heart belongs to Shayne. Oh sure, she’s too young and ditzy and high-maintenance, and the Matt-Shayne union would probably be destined for the typical Bachelor split in about six months, but I can’t help it: I like the girl (plus, I don’t have to marry her). Chelsea is lovely and (somewhat) more mature than Shayne. She’s certainly a better arm-wrestler and probably a better life partner for Matt but she lost me somewhere between her hand-holding phobia and her “night dress.”

Meet you back here tomorrow to discuss it all! Happy viewing!

Deconstructing The Hills: Spencer’s Motivations

May 11, 2008

What makes Spencer evil? some people ask. I never ask.*

But now, in a new interview with The Los Angeles Times, Spencer helpfully provides the answer himself:

“‘The Hills’ needed some evil, Spencer figured. ‘I saw a clip of the show, and everyone was so nice,’ he said mockingly. ‘Friendly,’ he added with disgust. So yes, he wanted to ’cause drama’ and ‘get my own show.'”

I guess he has a point; the closest thing The Hills had to a villian in Season 1 was Lisa Love. Though I wouldn’t say everyone was “so nice.” Jason Wahler? Not very nice. And Heidi’s then-boyfriend Jordan Eubanks? Not such a sweet guy. But, certainly, no one approached Spencer’s level of evil until Spencer himself arrived in Season 2. Yet the new, depressed Spencer hasn’t been able to cause too much drama in this bonus season, has he? (On the show, at least. He continues to gleefully make trouble in the tabloids.)

I wonder if that’s what the show has been missing, a touch of the Pratt black magic? In any case, the Heidi-Spencer storyline has become flat-out dull and tonight’s “showdown” in Vegas promises more of the same. Yawn.

*First line courtesy of Joan Didion’s Play It As It Lays.

The Hills: Three Is The Magic Number of Doom

May 6, 2008

photo courtesy MTV

There’s something about a group of three. Especially when it comes to girlfriends. And especially when it comes to old friends v. new friends. Someone is bound to be left out. Lately on The Hills, that unfortunate someone is Audrina. (more…)

Breaking: Officer/Gentleman Back On The Market

May 6, 2008

So I was just in Duane Reade, paging through In Touch magazine, which tells me that former Bachelor Lt. Andy Baldwin and ex-Mrs. Donald Trump Marla Maples are totally dunzo. And it must be true because Andy gave them a comment! He said Marla “will always have a special place in my heart” (right next to Tessa and Bevin!) but the timing was off. Note to Andy: All top-secret undersea discovery missions and no cavorting on beaches makes a Bachelor a dull boy. Or something.