The Bachelor Special: Ape Suits, “Fairy Tale” Endings, and the Inevitable Return of Baby Max

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Missed last night’s Bachelor special? Get your priorities in order! But fear not. Our special correspondent Midwest Molly has the recap. (I couldn’t resist throwing in some comments in italics.) About Molly: She’s a sassy, flame-haired roller-derby queen with an inexplicable affection for former Bachelor Lorenzo Borghese. She’s also a Bachelor scholar of sorts, having suffered through more final rose ceremonies than she cares to recall. Take it away, Molly!

So Lorenzo, my beloved Italian prince—leave his hair alone!—was voted Worst Bachelor Eva in last night’s special The Bachelor: Where Are They Now? (I demand a recount! Bob was obviously the worst. Obviously!) The best? Lorenzo’s sexy successor, Andy Baldwin. Excuse me, Lt. Andy Baldwin. (I vote Jesse Palmer. That’s just me.)

The one-hour show started where we left off with (loser) Brad Womack from last season. You know the one. He dumped both girls, and kept the coveted final rose all to his scruffy self. Last night, Brad’s reign of terror continued as he jilted Chris Harrison and the show that fed him 25 girls, refusing to tell America where he is now. (Even Ellen Degeneres said he was a jerk!)

And what of the two ladies left in a limo crying?

Jenni says her life is more fabulous than ever. She’s still dancing for the Phoenix Suns and is engaged to her “soul mate”—a man who proposed to her in an ape suit at a game. (Um, awesome? Who needs a rose when you can have a dude in an ape suit?) Jenni reveals that she and the new beau already have family plans: They want to have two boys and one girl. Heck, they (she!) already have (has!) the names picked out: Hayden, Cooper and Hartley. No idea which one is the girl. (Heh.)

DeAnna, on the other hand, has the unenviable task of being the next Bachelorette. “I want my fairy tale ending,” she tells us. Twice.

As for the other Bachelors? Surprise, surprise—most are single.

There are exceptions: Andrew Firestone is engaged; Bob Guiney (lead singer of the “Bob Guiney Band”) is married to soap star and “television presenter” Rebecca Budig. (Yawn.) Of course, the Last Couple Standing, Ryan and Trista—and their overexposed spawn Baby Max—were brought out for show. The telegenic trio are still living in Vail, Colo. and Ryan is building a “green” home, which Trista can’t wait to decorate. (Gag!)

So where are we, the fans, now? Well, next Monday a new Bachelor hits with Brit Matt Grant. Naturally, Chris and Co. swear it will be the “best Bachelor season yet” and “the most exciting ever.” Will you be watching?

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