For those of you hankering for more Bachelor news, here’s extra scoop on the ghosts of seasons past:
Aaron Buerge: The “Renaissance Man” of Season 2 is the president of some bank somewhere and operates two restaurants called “Trolley’s.” Since The Bachelor, he has been asked to be a sperm donor, among other exciting offers. He regrets not spending more time with the ladies he didn’t choose because the lady he did choose, Helene Eksterowicz, sold the diamond he gave her on eBay and then wrote a book called “Nobody’s Perfect: What to Do When You’ve Fallen For a Jerk But Want to Make it Work.” Clever rhyme! Anyway, he’s still single and, judging from the special, he needs to button up his shirt a bit. Please.
Andrew Firestone (see pics above): Awww Jenn and Andrew! Who can forget? But we have to forget—it’s been five years, people, and Andrew is now engaged to a woman he met in some “random” way (that’s code for at the Playboy Mansion). His new lady, Ivana Bozilovic, is an actress/model. In the special, Ivana looked totally wholesome and rather Jenn-like, but not so much on her web site. Anyway! She’s happy that Andrew was on The Bachelor because “he got to experience things” (at this point, the show cuts to a shot of Andrew showering with three chicks—-stay classy, ABC!). But Ivana and Andrew seem very happy and they’re getting married on the Firestone estate. Congrats, kids.
Jesse Palmer: Swoon! Still “playing the field” but was sacked from the NY Giants. Now working as a football analyst for a Canadian TV network.
Dr. Travis Stork: Single and “putting his medical degree to good use as … a commentator on a medical talk show!” Really? That’s a good use of a medical degree? Or was Chris Harrison, bless his heart, actually being sarcastic? Hm.
Lt. Andy Baldwin: “Currently serving our country on an underwater discovery expedition somewhere in the South Pacific.” (Is it wrong that this makes me giggle?)
Most of the show’s former ladies-in-waiting are old married women now (Remember craaaazy Trish, the “gold-digger” from the Jesse Palmer season? Well, she landed a rich bald dude and is engaged (hello, rock!). She’s also the stepmom to his three kids. Even poor Heather from Texas (Seasons 2 and 6) is now married—to a guy she went to high school with. (Lesson: You don’t have to go on TV to find true love. Just go to high school!)
I swore I wouldn’t, but on the Trista, Ryan, and Baby Max front, Trista proudly announces, “I’m so going to be the typical soccer mom!” and “I’m just in love with my life!” (side note: I lost count of the times “fairy tale” was said in this special. I got to seven and then felt dizzy. But Trista was responsible for at least four of those times and also invoked Cinderella.) I had predicted that Baby Max would be wearing a “Lil Bachelor” onesie but his onesie actually read: “I am adored.” (Good god. To borrow a sentiment from Sex and the City, don’t you feel kinda bad for the woman who dates Baby Max in 20 or so years?) But Ryan is endearing as always, saying that there’s no need for fairy tales because “I think life done properly is romantic.”