The Bachelor? Absobloodylutely.

The Bachelor is back March 17 and it’ll feature the first international Bachelor ever. (Wait..wasn’t there an Italian prince once? Someone help me here.) Anyway! Dude is from London this time and according to ABC: “He has something on his mind that is more urgent than any business deal – he wants to find the love of his life and to start a family as soon as possible.” Yea, yea. We all know where this is going:

Limos full of Southern girls in shiny dresses.
Champagne. Roses. Crying.
“Never thought I could feel this way in two weeeks but I do!”
Champagne. Roses. Crying.
“It’s getting real now.”
Champagne. Roses. Crying.
“Forego your separate rooms and stay the night in a fantasy suite?”
Champagne. Roses. Crying.
Meet My Skeptical Family (Aww, Grandma is so feisty!)
Champagne. Roses. Crying.
The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever.
Proposal OR Promise Ring and “Let’s see where this goes” OR “I choose me”
Champagne. Rose. Crying.
Us Weekly cover.
Break-Up.
Us Weekly cover.
Crying (viewers).

12 (12!) seasons. Pattern never changes. And yet I CANNOT stop watching this crap show. So “global financier” Matt Grant, I’m counting on you to restore my faith. Your accent better be damned cute.

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