Archive for March, 2008

The Bachelor’s Theater of Pain

March 25, 2008

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Episode 2 Recap: Note to the ladies of The Bachelor: Stop singing! For the love of God, please stop singing! Stop singing opera or crap songs you wrote yourself. Stop playing the clarinet or piano or acoustic guitar. Stop all performing immediately. Just stop. 

Sorry, I had to get that off  my chest. As you can (maybe!) tell, last night’s episode got out of hand. It’s beginning to look (sound) like a really crap version of American Idol up in the Bachelor house. Thankfully, Matt got rid of some of the worst offenders last night. But before we get to that unpleasantness, let’s review. A group of really unlucky ladies had a group date that consisted of them strutting (well, trying) in a fashion show in an effort to please the Bachelor. The other bunch of ladies were considerably more fortunate on their group date. They went to Vegas, where whoever won the most money gambling got precious private time with Matt. (Love really is a crapshoot, after all.) Anyway, Shayne had a hissy fit/epiphany, saying that although she wants to get to know Matt “There is [sic] other girls here who want to get to know him just as well!” Um, yes. Hence, the show. Then she took her concerns to Matt explaining that it hurt her to see other girls “eyeing” for his attention. Later, she locked herself in the bathroom and debated whether to go home, wailing that the whole thing had simply become too real. Listen, Shayne: You’re not allowed to start with the whole “this is too real” bit yet. It’s only Week 2. Save it for the fantasy overnight dates, ‘kay? (And yes, I do think she might get that far.)

After suffering through too many serenades, Matt said goodbye to Carri (opera singer), Erin H. (didn’t perform–thank you, Erin H.!), and the most tragic, Michelle (clarinet player/singer of own terrible songs) who cried and declared that her cat is actually the love of her life.

Twelve ladies left. To my viewing partner’s dismay, Matt kept Shayne around. What do you think: Should he have sent her packing?

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The Hills: Paris Changes Practically Nothing

March 24, 2008

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Really? That’s all we get of Paris? After all that build-up about the City of Lights, Lauren and Whitney’s Paris stay seemed to be, uh, one week. (Apparently, that’s long enough to change everything and also give Lauren enough inspiration for the entire Lauren Conrad Collection. So, good did come out of it!) But the girls saw little of the city, besides swilling some champagne at the Eiffel Tower and being tricked into wearing fancy dresses to a smoky club where everyone else is in jeans. Anyway, the big drama in Paris is not Lauren’s fake love affair with a French rocker (That was a big yawn. Basically, she rode around on a Vespa with him for 10 minutes) but, rather, how she left her fancy ball gown near her hot curling iron, causing unsightly burns. (“Curling irons do that??” Whitney asks in disbelief. Oh, Whitney.) Could Lauren really be that dumb or do you think MTV did it for her? But not to worry, with the ball just one hour away, Lauren manages to run over to the shop and get a new perfectly-fitting dress, no questions asked! Sheesh.

Meanwhile in Crested Butte, Colo. (heh, I just love the sound of that), Spencer has come to town to win back Heidi, though he seems rather half-hearted about it. (Earlier Spencer’s sister, Stephanie Pratt, basically told him he was a complete loser with no hope for redemption, which was kind of awesome.) Honestly, though, Spencer looks bad. Remember when he used to swagger? Remember when he was Playboy Spence? Now he’s just a broken man with some sad facial hair, wandering the snowy streets of Crested Butte alone with wilted roses, looking for Heidi. But how can he possibly recognize Heidi when her face has changed so dramatically? Between the new lips, the new nose, and some seriously misguided bronzer application, Fembot Heidi looks positively frightening. But she manages to lay down the law, telling Spencer, “I want my friends back. I want my whole life back.” In response, he makes some painful noises, and says, “All you do is keep stabbing me!” In the end, he heads back to L.A. alone.

So what did we learn? Well, curling irons will burn when left unattended, even in Paris. There’s only one French rap song in the world, apparently (this episode featured the same one that was used in the last episode of Sex and the City back in 2004). And the Crillon Ball looks like a huge snore. Seriously, skip it if you’re ever in Paris.

What did everyone think? I thought this episode was definitely better than the finale, but the Paris portions were a bit of a letdown.

TONIGHT!

March 24, 2008

Finally! Tonight at 10 p.m., the 10 “bonus” episodes of The Hills begin with a special one-hour show. I don’t know about you, but I’m so ready for the damn show to start already. Especially over the last week, the hype machine went into overdrive in a way that made even me feel sick of The Hills. To sum up: Us Weekly’s cover featured Sad Lauren with the headline “Betrayed by Brody & Audrina: How I Was Stabbed in the Back.” But then Lauren posted on her myspace blog that it was all a misunderstanding and that she loves Audrina and Brody and doesn’t feel betrayed by them at all. People gleefully reported on Lauren’s about-face, which made Us Weekly mad, so Lauren amended her original statement, saying she didn’t mean to criticize Us because she has a “great” relationship with the magazine (and Us has turned its supposed feud with Lauren into a story now too!) Argh. Also chiming in: The Wall Street Journal (to which Lauren described Brody as “a cute guy who’s OK with filming”), Newsweek (to which Lauren explained: “There’s a lot of editing. They use our stares for dramatic effect. All of us have more expressions on our face now, out of habit.”) and The New York Times which dubs Heidi a “feminist hero” in its review. Add in the release of Audrina’s “artistic” nude pics and it’s just … wow.

Also tonight at 10 (sigh): The Bachelor.So get your DVRs warmed up and I’ll meet you back here tomorrow to discuss.

“This Summer, While You Were in Paris…”

March 20, 2008

Gawker posted this fantastic clip in light of the Lauren ConradBrody Jenner “You Got a New Girlfriend Two Days After I Went to Paris” Thing. You do recall, of course, how Kelly and Dylan did Brenda wrong while she was in Paris for the summer (in fairness though, Brenda cheated in Paris too…I forget her fling’s name but he was played by former TV Superman Dean Cain! Ha.) Anyway, please enjoy the vintage heartache. My favorite part is: “I hate you both! Never talk to me again!” (Seriously, why is Dylan so mean? He’ll be sorry a few episodes from now when his dad, that no-good Jack McKay, is killed by a car bomb and Kelly proves too vapid to grasp the depths of his grief and Brenda is like the only one who understands him.)

The Bachelor Wisely Says “Cheerio, Old Gal!” to Sad Karl Rove Lackey

March 19, 2008

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Episode 1 Recap: On Monday, The Bachelor: London Calling began (and poor Joe Strummer spun in his grave). The new Bachelor Matt Grant, 27, is an international banker. He’s 6’5 and funny! He plays rugby! And, in an intimate fireside chat with host Chris Harrison, Matt revealed that he needs to settle down quick before his parents die! (I exaggerate a tad, but he did say that his 71-year-old father’s stroke last year made him realize that he’d better get a move on if he wanted his kids to know their grandparents.)

For me, the most tedious part of the first show is always the limo arrivals. The only fun is getting to see the women’s totally random jobs (Hot dog vendor. Makeup artist. Former Bush aide. Wait…former Bush aide? Yes, more on that in a bit.) One thing that stood out: London may be a melting pot, but this Bachelorette pool is most definitely not. There’s one black woman, a fashion designer from Brooklyn. Otherwise, a total white-out and, predictably, the ladies displayed a penchant for spray tans and rhinestones.

Then the “wildest party in Bachelor history” finally got going. The women pulled out all the stops to impress their prince including: challenging him to an arm wrestling match, playing him a ditty on the clarinet, and singing him a truly terrible song. Denise, the aforementioned “former Bush aide,” proudly declared herself a huge W fan as Matt grimaced and twisted uncomfortably in his seat. Denise also extolled the virtues of her former boss Karl Rove (“Some people say he’s Bush’s brain!” she cheerfully explained). At this point, a desperate Carri, a “church marketing representative” from Oklahoma, was forced to bite into her beer can to stop the madness. (Totally understandable. Talk of Rove will lead to teeth-gnashing.) But seriously, Carri took a huge chunk out of the beer can with her teeth and handed a piece to Matt. “To remember me by,” she said gallantly. She is sort of my hero.

So there’s always at least one Crazy Lady and the annoying/entertaining thing is that the Bachelors typically keep them around for at least a few episodes. But Matt cares not about American television and its silly ratings system! And so he quickly, mercifully, dispensed with Crazy Stacey, the graduate student from Chicago who had earlier handed him her (kind of giant) white lace panties and urged him to feel her “vibrations.” Also getting the boot: Denise (the Rove toady) and eight other weepy ladies.

I predict that Amanda R. (who got the first impression rose) and “actress” Shayne (Lorenzo Lamas’s 22-year-old daughter) will be contenders. And, of course, expect the requisite chatter about whether Shayne, who also appeared on the very short-lived MTV reality show Twentyfourseven, is here for Matt or her career. Which ladies do you think will go the distance?

King of The Hills!

March 18, 2008

There’s a fun Hills quiz over at People.com. Naturally, I got a perfect score and even spotted a mistake in the quiz. (Whitney fell down the stairs in Season 2, not Season 1.) We’re getting close now! The Hills returns on March 24 with a special one-hour episode. Of course, this will present a conflict of interest with our Bachelor viewing (why oh why can’t they spread the joy around a bit?). And speaking of the Bachelor, did you watch last night? Stay tuned for summary and analysis.

Would You Ask This Man For Advice?

March 12, 2008
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Oh dear. FishbowlNY is reporting that Spencer will be penning a new advice column for Radar magazine. The column (called “YO SPENCER!”) will start with the April issue, on newsstands March 25. I have to say, this idea is pretty genius. I just hope no one asks him how to make a music video. Sigh.

More on The Bachelor(s) and (Dammit!) Baby Max

March 11, 2008

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For those of you hankering for more Bachelor news, here’s extra scoop on the ghosts of seasons past:

Aaron Buerge: The “Renaissance Man” of Season 2 is the president of some bank somewhere and operates two restaurants called “Trolley’s.” Since The Bachelor, he has been asked to be a sperm donor, among other exciting offers. He regrets not spending more time with the ladies he didn’t choose because the lady he did choose, Helene Eksterowicz, sold the diamond he gave her on eBay and then wrote a book called “Nobody’s Perfect: What to Do When You’ve Fallen For a Jerk But Want to Make it Work.” Clever rhyme! Anyway, he’s still single and, judging from the special, he needs to button up his shirt a bit. Please.

Andrew Firestone (see pics above): Awww Jenn and Andrew! Who can forget? But we have to forget—it’s been five years, people, and Andrew is now engaged to a woman he met in some “random” way (that’s code for at the Playboy Mansion). His new lady, Ivana Bozilovic, is an actress/model. In the special, Ivana looked totally wholesome and rather Jenn-like, but not so much on her web site. Anyway! She’s happy that Andrew was on The Bachelor because “he got to experience things” (at this point, the show cuts to a shot of Andrew showering with three chicks—-stay classy, ABC!). But Ivana and Andrew seem very happy and they’re getting married on the Firestone estate. Congrats, kids.

Jesse Palmer: Swoon! Still “playing the field” but was sacked from the NY Giants. Now working as a football analyst for a Canadian TV network.

Dr. Travis Stork: Single and “putting his medical degree to good use as … a commentator on a medical talk show!” Really? That’s a good use of a medical degree? Or was Chris Harrison, bless his heart, actually being sarcastic? Hm.

Lt. Andy Baldwin: “Currently serving our country on an underwater discovery expedition somewhere in the South Pacific.” (Is it wrong that this makes me giggle?)

Most of the show’s former ladies-in-waiting are old married women now (Remember craaaazy Trish, the “gold-digger” from the Jesse Palmer season? Well, she landed a rich bald dude and is engaged (hello, rock!). She’s also the stepmom to his three kids. Even poor Heather from Texas (Seasons 2 and 6) is now married—to a guy she went to high school with. (Lesson: You don’t have to go on TV to find true love. Just go to high school!)

I swore I wouldn’t, but on the Trista, Ryan, and Baby Max front, Trista proudly announces, “I’m so going to be the typical soccer mom!” and “I’m just in love with my life!” (side note: I lost count of the times “fairy tale” was said in this special. I got to seven and then felt dizzy. But Trista was responsible for at least four of those times and also invoked Cinderella.) I had predicted that Baby Max would be wearing a “Lil Bachelor” onesie but his onesie actually read: “I am adored.” (Good god. To borrow a sentiment from Sex and the City, don’t you feel kinda bad for the woman who dates Baby Max in 20 or so years?) But Ryan is endearing as always, saying that there’s no need for fairy tales because “I think life done properly is romantic.”

The Hills: Heidi and Her New Lips Say a Mouthful

March 11, 2008

Another clip from the new season, kids. It’s right here via Gawker via Us Weekly. At an uncomfortable family dinner (I know, is there any other kind? But this one is really awkward), Heidi and uninvited guest Spencer argue as Mama Montag acts as go-between (and Mama ain’t happy!). Mr. Montag manages to convey the depths of his hatred for Spencer using only his eyebrows, but angry Heidi’s face seems strangely frozen. Do her parents even recognize her anymore?

The Hills: Lauren Gets Très Crappy News

March 11, 2008

New clip floating around. Soon, my pets, the new episodes!